Quit Pushing Me!

I had a recent encounter with someone who wanted more from me than I had agreed to.

Does that sound familiar?

Boundaries are a big issue in our modern America. We tend to expect high returns from those we interact with on a regular basis but do not give as much in return. Why does this problem exist? We live with a tech age phenomenon as most parents did not grow up with the technology available at their own kids' fingertips. This is a digital boundary that millennials are not taught about because the boundary is invisible. Another reason is we do not have healthy boundaries modeled for us as children and/or we were violated in some form(emotionally, mentally, physically) and we hold on to those hurts from the past. These hangups filter how we relate to those around us.

When the issue isn't the issue

We can be genuine in our intentions, but, execution is usually where people get off track. For example: my husband and I have an agreement-whoever cooks, the other one cleans. This works well except for days He works in D.C. and comes home exhausted from the drive. He barely makes it in the door for dinner and then collapses on the couch. He says, "I'm too tired. I'll do them(dishes) in the morning." I usually roll my eyes and smile. I know this will affect my morning. I have a routine. I'm up at the crack of dawn to be alone with the Lord and organize my daily tasks. One thing that keeps me focused is no mess or clutter. If I KNOW the kitchen is dirty, I will not be able to get through my quiet time and I'll end up frustrated and in a mood. His need for rest violated my need for a clean kitchen. Don't get me wrong, he does a hundred kind things for me and I for him weekly. I'm not that mean!

What went wrong here?

I did not communicate in clear and simple ways what I expected. My husband did not follow through with his end of the bargain. Now, this is obviously a SMALL boundary violation. But, what do you do with the BIG ones? When someone steals your time, money or emotions? When you are in a fight with your elderly parent or unreasonable toddler? When you are fired from your job unjustly? When you get in a car accident on I-95?

Here are a few simple steps to follow:

-Know your area of authority

Why would I get up early on a Saturday and mow my neighbor's lawn? I wouldn't...and neither would you! I know my property boundaries and so does my neighbor. He would feel violated...like I am taking charge of something that does not belong to me. The only exception to this would be if my neighbor were in serious need; recovering from surgery or death in the family. Even then, one would more than likely ask the neighbor if they could mow their lawn. Jesus gave you charge over SPECIFIC areas on Earth. It is the Christ follower's responsibility to find out what those are and steward them faithfully. Deuteronomy 19:14

-Communicate clearly what you expect AND be reasonable

Understanding the limits of yourself and the other person you are interacting with is key to this step. Talk it out. Give reasons why you expect what you're asking. Ask what they want from you. Discuss and be willing to compromise. Ephesians 4:29

-Have grace and understanding

We are all selfish and imperfect. We WILL miss the mark. We WILL let others down. We WILL need to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness at some point. We would want the same grace from others, so, we need to be willing to give it. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to empathize and see their perspective. This will take you a long way in keeping healthy boundaries. Proverbs 22:11

-Hold yourself and others accountable

When you ask too much of someone, or another expects too much of you, LOVINGLY remind them of your verbal agreement. What did you discuss? Is this in violation of that boundary? Do you need to readjust the expectation? Do you need to stick to your level of self care? Are you a people-pleaser who will give in to any violation in order to gain favor? These are important things to know about yourself and the other person when having accountability...and takes us back to step 1. Romans 3:9

Keep the main thing the main thing

We know what God expects of us. To love Him with all our heart, soul and mind. And to love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31 The main goal of ANY boundary is LOVE. Love yourself enough to say no, love others enough to communicate what you need, love God and search the Bible for your true identity and your areas of authority here on Earth. Seek Him first in ALL you do, and He will direct your steps with favor.